Tomorrow I will be thirty years old.
THIRTY. 30. Three-zero.
Is turning thirty hard for everyone? Just me? OK.
It’s all in my head.
I don’t want to grow up and I don’t want to be responsible and I don’t want to worry about money.
I’ve learned that I’m a control freak. Which might explain where all of this anxiety comes from.
Recently I realized that I’m old. I know I’m not old, but just let me explain. I work a very part time job where there are a lot of college kids in their early twenties. I’ve become work buddies with some of them (one of which shares my birthday, and I’ve never met anyone who shares my birthday! But god knows I know at least 12 other people with a birthday the first week of December as well.). A few days ago at work I was talking with a few of them and one of them mentioned a show they were going to to see, a band I’ve never heard of. And the others chimed in and they made plans. And just like that I felt old. I had never heard of whatever band they were talking about, I don’t go to shows anymore, and I can’t make plans like that on a whim. And I don’t get asked to. And it’s not like I actually want to hang out with these kids outside of work, but I just realized that that part of my life is over. Forever. And realistically that part of my life was over when I found out I was pregnant but for some reason I’ve held on to the hope of still being able to be a reckless twenty-something.
Now I’ll be a responsible thirty-something. I remember my mom watching that show, Thirty-Something, and she had a t-shirt that said thirty-something on it and it was teal with pink cuffed sleeves.
I know what I have now is so much better, it really, truly is. But I really miss the days of hauling my camera around and sneaking it in to shows and staying out all night with my friends and not having to worry about what time my son will wake me up in the morning.
I’m just having a small moment of crisis. Actually it’s not small because it’s been going on this entire year. I have spent this entire year feeling like this and beating myself up and feeling like garbage. I want to be done with it. But I know these things are easier said than done. No amount of therapy or drugs can make this feeling go away instantly. Believe me, I know.
I’m going to do my best to welcome this new year, new decade of my life and myself with open arms, and to kick 29 and 2013 in the ass on their way out.
Onward and upward!
***We had our first real family photos taken a couple of weeks ago by my very talented friend Lacey. Check out her work at laceymonroephotography.com***
This year Halloween sort of took a back seat to our trip. Being out of town for two weeks left little time for costume planning. Early on Joy had the genius idea of me, her and Katrina dressing as the witches from Hocus Pocus. We were all stoked for our costumes. Until it came down to the week of Halloween where there was lots of scrambling. Katrina and I put our costumes together the day of our friends annual Halloween party. And you know what? We nailed it.I think we were pretty spot on with our costumes. Too bad I went from having a scratchy throat to full blown snotty, stuffy cold in a matter of 3 hours. I felt like garbage. Unfortunately we didn’t stay very long at the party. We planned on going out to Rob’s bar on Halloween so we could dress up again, but then Joy was sick and our time as the Sanderson Sisters was done.
Now for Max’s costume. We had no idea what he was going to be. We really wanted to take advantage of this probably being the last year we could control what he dressed as so we wanted it to be good. I had too much on my plate so Rob became the head of the Max costume department. He chose Hulk Hogan but we couldn’t find a yellow tank top, and for some reason neither of us were really feeling it. So we asked Max what he wanted to be. Of course we had to explain what you do on Halloween and dressing up and trick or treating. Then we gave him examples of costumes; witch, wizard, bat, robot. As soon as we said robot he was all about it. So the day before Halloween Rob carved out a couple of boxes and when I got off of work on Halloween I worked my magic with foil and construction paper and glow sticks that we’ve had in our Halloween boxes for 4 years. And Max Bot 2.5 came alive.We didn’t really think about how well he could move in it so there was a lot of assistance walking up steps and holding his candy bag (Which I made!!!). His buttons said Jump, Hi-5 and Laser. And yes he did those things and made laser noises.
He got the hang of trick or treating pretty quickly. We only went to about 6 houses I think. He got a littler overwhelmed at houses where there were lots of kids, which there were a ton of. I don’t remember there being so many last year, but man alive our street was hoppin’. When we got home we dumped out his bag and I separated the candy with nuts from the rest and put it away (for me and Rob). The remaining candy went into a special bowl on the counter. Every day if he’s well behaved and takes a nap he can have one piece after his nap. It’s been a good incentive for napping, but definitely doesn’t always work, and no, we don’t plan on bribing him with candy forever. Just until it’s gone, which won’t be very long if I keep eating it.
I’d say we had a pretty good Halloween Max loved his costume and still having fun with it, wearing it and stomping on it because after all he is a destructive two year old.
The weekend before our trip we went to the Pumpkin Patch on Sauvie Island. The same pumpkin patch we go to every year. The weather was incredible, and even a little warm. And the beauty of going early in the season is that it wasn’t that busy.
These two have the sweetest relationship. I’m really glad Katrina’s living in Portland again (and with us!). Together they found the perfect little pumpkin. We opted for small ones so we didn’t have to carry huge ones back.
We have yet to do any carving or painting with them. Maybe we’ll get around to it before Halloween. Probably not.
This is my favorite, right here. This age. I think. Everyone’s all But the terrible twos. Yeah, we’ve got that. But when he’s not terrible he’s just the best ever.
Every morning when he wakes up he greets me with the most emphatic “HI!” and even if it’s too early to be up it just melts me. And hugs. So many hugs. And he pats your back while he’s hugging you and he rests his big little head on your shoulder and I just want to hold him forever like that.With the snuggly, warm good comes the downright awful. He can throw a tantrum. He can scream. He hits, kicks, bites sometimes. Most tantrums stem from some sort of power control. He’s very independent and must do everything on his own. When he isn’t able to it’s the end of everything. He’s angry, I get angry. There’s yelling and throwing (on his part) and tears (both of us, sometimes). It’s not pretty and it’s not easy. Some days I feel like he’s been sent here to test me, to see just how much I can handle and to find out what my breaking point is.
But I love him. More than anything.Rob and I have those moments every single day where he’s doing something so precious cute adorable that we look at each other with that look. You know, when you’re both thinking about how you absolutely could not love him more. He’s full of magic and love and imagination.Imagination! He plays pretend! We are always pretend eating bananas and pumpkins and going to the zoo and being tigers. And a “pwisess”. He loves being a princess. He picked out a tutu at a children’s second hand sale and I bought it for him. I don’t even know where he got the idea of a princess, but somehow he did and he likes it. And I love watching him be a pwisess.
This post was supposed to go up weeks ago but I completely forgot about it, honestly. And then we went on vacation, Max’s first big trip! On a plane and a boat! More details on that will come as soon as I have the time to sit down and sift through photos. But let’s just say that Max had the best time because of course he did.
2.5 year old Max is great. Plain and simple.
I remember the temperature reaching the upper 80′s in the eight o’clock hour. I remember not feeling as nervous as I thought I would. I remember trying not to ugly cry as my brother walked me down the aisle in the hundred degree heat and how Rob managed to surprise me with singing his vows while our friends played recorders and his mom played her ukelele.
It was truly one of the best days of my life. On this day four years ago we got married and had the greatest celebration with everyone we love.
In the last four years I’ve learned that what we have is pretty damn special and I can’t imagine living this life with anyone but Rob. Even if it means finding stacks of comic books all over the house for the rest of my life. Happy 4 years, Rob.
Wedding Posts can be found here, here and here.
While today is our anniversary it is also a day for honoring the memory of Grandma Betty. Today is her memorial service. We’ve said our goodbyes already so today we get to remember and honor her.
Today also marks the day that my best girl, Katrina, leaves Austin, Texas to move back to Portland. All of us here have been waiting a long time for this. It’s a difficult thing for her to do, leaving a huge part of her life behind, but we can’t wait to have her home.
Today is a day for love all around. Hug your partner, hug your friends, hug all of your loved ones. And love to you all from me <3