Sometimes I wish I could clock out.

There, I said it.  Sometimes I wish this was just a 9 to 5 gig and I could do whatever I wanted come 5:00, be with friends, go get a drink, see a movie in the theatre, go out to dinner past 6:00, not wake up 1, 3, 7 times a night to tend to someone else.

But I can’t.  I guess that’s what I signed up for when I had a baby, huh?

Every parent feels this at some point (or most of the time), I’m sure.  It’s a very hard balance, normal adult life and caretaker of small child-FOREVER.

Sometimes I think to myself Holy shit, I have to make sure he’s fed, clothed, kept healthy etc. for at least the next 18 years.  And then I nearly have a panic attack.  It’s a scary thought knowing that you are solely responsible for the life of a child.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t even take care of myself!  Sometimes (almost every day) I forget to eat a meal, and I can’t forget to feed him.  Actually, one time I did forget to feed him lunch and I was all Why won’t he nap?  Why’s he so upset?  Sorry Maxey, mama just FORGOT TO FEED YOU, that’s all.

I blame sleep deprivation.

My brain is fried.  My memory is shit.  Most days I can’t remember what I did the day before.  Most days I have to repeat to myself This day is almost overThis day is almost overThis day is almost over, just to get through the rest of it without losing my marbles.I love being a mother and a wife, but holy hell this is hard.  Yeah, taking care of a baby is a lot of work, but taking care of a baby and maintaining a marriage is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Making time for myself and for Rob is harder than I thought it would be.  Not feeling guilty for taking time for myself instead of doing the dishes or folding the laundry is harder than I thought it would be.

Sometimes I just want to leave.  Go anywhere but where there are toys and dogs lying about.  Go somewhere where no one knows about my life as a mom or a wife, and just be me.

***These are just thoughts and feelings and things that I need to get out:)***

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5 thoughts on “Sometimes I wish I could clock out.

  1. Hi Erin, your thoughts are mine exactly–at that time of Sylvia’s life, especially. It’s easier now but there are still those times and those thoughts. The first two years are comparable to something really intense like war– like a colorful, beautiful, monotonous war. There’s nothing left for the marriage. There’s nothing left for yourself, it’s like keep this child alive every moment–especially where Max is as a toddling mobile kid with no reasoning skills. I love your honesty and your heart and i think you’re a super great person/mom/wife.

    • Thank you for your sweet words, Erin:) It’s nice to know that there is an end (or the war eases up?) in sight.

      Tell Sylvia hello from us:) She is such cool little girl, she sparkles.

  2. Guilt trips do NOT offer frequent flyer miles. 😦 You are a Great Mom! Max is very lucky but ignoring your needs does not make you a better Mother. It makes you cranky. I love you! (and my babysitting rates are really cheap)

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