This is about me.

I start school on Thursday. Well, school is a stretch. It’s really 6, 6 hour long workshops that take place every other Thursday until December.

I’m starting to feel really excited, less anxious about it. I’m finally doing something for myself and I think this is going to be the best thing for me.

I haven’t been doing that great lately. Emotionally, mentally, physically even. And after much consulting with friends and therapists, and a change in my meds with my doctor, I finally feel like I’m, slowly, becoming myself again. I’ve been feeling like I felt felt in those first few weeks after Max was born. Hopeless, depressed, and that feeling of feeling like a stranger in your own home, sobbing all day in front of your child. All big fat red flags that told me I needed help. So I got it.

I think the biggest thing that’s going to help me though? This class. What this class is going to lead me to, a fulfilling job. I need to be doing something fulfilling, something that makes me feel good and worthwhile. Now, this is not to say that being a mother isn’t great, and I don’t want to be doing it. But it’s not enough, or it’s too much. Does that make sense? Probably not. It’s too much being Erin the Mom and not enough being just Erin.

I know it probably sounds like I’m an ungrateful mother, but I’m not at all. I love my kid so damn much, my heart actually aches, and my eyes are welling up as I type this because I feel like I couldn’t love anything as much as I do him. But in the last 18 months I’ve lost myself. I’m Erin the Mom. Max’s Mom. I have sacrificed everything for Max and to be a stay at home mom but it just isn’t working anymore. So I’m changing that. I’m taking my life back, for me. I’m doing something that makes me happy, that makes me feel fulfilled.

The irony of all of this is the job I will be doing is essentially playing mom to someone else. A postpartum doula is someone who cares for mother and baby in those first few weeks after birth. Basically I will be mothering the new mother, caring for her baby, and educating the family on baby care, breastfeeding, and providing emotional support for mom. You can read more about postpartum doulas here. This job means a lot to me and I finally feel like I’ve found my place. Photography was always my passion and I always thought that’s what I’d end up doing. It was for a while and I still do it for fun. But this makes me feel like I have a purpose (besides being a mother and wife). I know I’m going to be great at this, and I’ve never felt like that before, even about photography.

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Up and Down

I turned in my application to the Birthingway College of Midwifery today.  But for some reason I feel pretty blah about it.  There was no rush of excitement or happiness that came over me, just a slight feeling of panic.  Like Oh shit, I’m actually doing this.

I’m going to chalk it up to the fact that since I fully weaned off the Zoloft on Friday, I haven’t been feeling great.  In fact, I’ve been feeling so crappy that I saw a doctor on Tuesday and I am now on Wellbutrin.

It was the right time to get off the Zoloft to rid myself of certain side effects, but I’m not ready to be on my own, so to speak.  There are too many big real life stressors swirling around right now and I need to be on my A game for me and for my family.

Since Tuesday I’ve been feeling pretty up and down, having highs and lows.  The fact that I also got a prescription for prednisone doesn’t help that (Prednisone can make you feel a little crazy.  Because I need more crazy in my life right now, clearly).  I got prednisone because my eczema is raging all over my face and my face is essentially falling off.  I look like an alligator with scales and blisters and it is downright awful.  The eczema is also attacking my right hand which I can’t fully stretch open or close because my skin is so dry and cracked, it’s just too painful.  The eczema tends to breakout along with emotional breakdowns, so hooray for that!  Because every girl who is already feeling shitty about life needs to look like a scale-y blistered reptile right?  Since seeing the doctor my face is clearing up quite nicely (THANK THE GODS), but my hand.  It’s a mess.

Now if I could only get a pill to fix all the other things….I’m going to give myself a couple of weeks to start feeling “normal” again (But seriously, I don’t even know what my normal is anymore.) because that’s when the new meds should kick in.  Until then, bear with me on this seemingly never ending pity party.