I start school on Thursday. Well, school is a stretch. It’s really 6, 6 hour long workshops that take place every other Thursday until December.
I’m starting to feel really excited, less anxious about it. I’m finally doing something for myself and I think this is going to be the best thing for me.
I haven’t been doing that great lately. Emotionally, mentally, physically even. And after much consulting with friends and therapists, and a change in my meds with my doctor, I finally feel like I’m, slowly, becoming myself again. I’ve been feeling like I felt felt in those first few weeks after Max was born. Hopeless, depressed, and that feeling of feeling like a stranger in your own home, sobbing all day in front of your child. All big fat red flags that told me I needed help. So I got it.
I think the biggest thing that’s going to help me though? This class. What this class is going to lead me to, a fulfilling job. I need to be doing something fulfilling, something that makes me feel good and worthwhile. Now, this is not to say that being a mother isn’t great, and I don’t want to be doing it. But it’s not enough, or it’s too much. Does that make sense? Probably not. It’s too much being Erin the Mom and not enough being just Erin.
I know it probably sounds like I’m an ungrateful mother, but I’m not at all. I love my kid so damn much, my heart actually aches, and my eyes are welling up as I type this because I feel like I couldn’t love anything as much as I do him. But in the last 18 months I’ve lost myself. I’m Erin the Mom. Max’s Mom. I have sacrificed everything for Max and to be a stay at home mom but it just isn’t working anymore. So I’m changing that. I’m taking my life back, for me. I’m doing something that makes me happy, that makes me feel fulfilled.
The irony of all of this is the job I will be doing is essentially playing mom to someone else. A postpartum doula is someone who cares for mother and baby in those first few weeks after birth. Basically I will be mothering the new mother, caring for her baby, and educating the family on baby care, breastfeeding, and providing emotional support for mom. You can read more about postpartum doulas here. This job means a lot to me and I finally feel like I’ve found my place. Photography was always my passion and I always thought that’s what I’d end up doing. It was for a while and I still do it for fun. But this makes me feel like I have a purpose (besides being a mother and wife). I know I’m going to be great at this, and I’ve never felt like that before, even about photography.