It’s Spring!

Springtime in Oregon means rain and a two week tease of 80 degree weather.  And birthday’s and Mother’s Day.  The end of April and beginning of May (Until Mother’s Day!)were glorious as far as weather goes and since then it’s been rainy and crappy and awful.  But hey!  That’s Oregon!Spring_05But when it’s nice in Oregon, it’s THE BEST.  It was so perfect and beautiful that Max was naked for days.  We would go outside and he would immediately strip down to nothing.  Watching his tiny naked butt run around the yard was amazing.  And I swear I’ve never seen him happier.  Just look at that smile.Spring_06SPring_07And then Mother’s Day came and the sun went away.  It was a lovely day spent inside with the family, after work.  My Rob cooked dinner AND made birdhouses for me and my mom and his mom.  Birdhouses!  We’re going to have Max paint them eventually.Spring_08The day after Mother’s Day max went to his very first parade, the St. John’s Parade.  Rob’s family used to go each year when they were kids, they thought it would be nice for Max to go.  Rob was working so it was me and Max, Rob’s folks and Aunt Christi.  We picked a spot in front of the State Farm building, where they giving away hot dogs and burgers, in the shade.Spring_09I think Max enjoyed it.  He was a little scared a few times by some of the marching bands.  He would wrap his arms around himself and say “cooooooold” and shiver and wanted someone to hold him and cover his ears.  I would ask him if he was scared and he would snuggle up and mutter the tiniest little “yeah”.  He got over it eventually and began to enjoy the bands.  He better because one of these years I want to get him down to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and the marching bands are so lively and energetic.

Today is the beginning of another stretch of dry and warm weather so if you need us we’ll be in the backyard sipping beers and chasing a naked toddler.

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Also, I gave the blog a little makeover.  What do you think?

Sometimes I wish I could clock out.

There, I said it.  Sometimes I wish this was just a 9 to 5 gig and I could do whatever I wanted come 5:00, be with friends, go get a drink, see a movie in the theatre, go out to dinner past 6:00, not wake up 1, 3, 7 times a night to tend to someone else.

But I can’t.  I guess that’s what I signed up for when I had a baby, huh?

Every parent feels this at some point (or most of the time), I’m sure.  It’s a very hard balance, normal adult life and caretaker of small child-FOREVER.

Sometimes I think to myself Holy shit, I have to make sure he’s fed, clothed, kept healthy etc. for at least the next 18 years.  And then I nearly have a panic attack.  It’s a scary thought knowing that you are solely responsible for the life of a child.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t even take care of myself!  Sometimes (almost every day) I forget to eat a meal, and I can’t forget to feed him.  Actually, one time I did forget to feed him lunch and I was all Why won’t he nap?  Why’s he so upset?  Sorry Maxey, mama just FORGOT TO FEED YOU, that’s all.

I blame sleep deprivation.

My brain is fried.  My memory is shit.  Most days I can’t remember what I did the day before.  Most days I have to repeat to myself This day is almost overThis day is almost overThis day is almost over, just to get through the rest of it without losing my marbles.I love being a mother and a wife, but holy hell this is hard.  Yeah, taking care of a baby is a lot of work, but taking care of a baby and maintaining a marriage is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Making time for myself and for Rob is harder than I thought it would be.  Not feeling guilty for taking time for myself instead of doing the dishes or folding the laundry is harder than I thought it would be.

Sometimes I just want to leave.  Go anywhere but where there are toys and dogs lying about.  Go somewhere where no one knows about my life as a mom or a wife, and just be me.

***These are just thoughts and feelings and things that I need to get out:)***

Oh, Happy Mother’s Day (yesterday)!

I’m a lucky girl I tell ya.  I’ve got this magical little Monster called Max that made me a mama, and I just feel like I’ve won the World’s Greatest Present of All Time Lottery.   Except for those times when it feels like I haven’t, like when I’m spraying the 4th poop diaper of the day into the toilet.

I’ll bet all moms feel that way.

Thanks to my Mom, Aunts, Grandmothers, and Girlfriends  for being the mothering caretakers that you all are.  Happy Mother’s Day, yesterday.

Morocco

I got an email from my mom a couple of days ago.  She’s on a 2 week long vacation in Morocco.  She talked for a long time about visiting Morocco, and she’s finally doing it.  But her going to Morocco has brought up a lot of emotional stuff surrounding my dad.

In 1954 my grandfather (dad’s dad), was sent to Morocco (then a French colony) for work.  My grandmother, uncle and my dad followed.  My grandfather was a Captain in the Air Force, as well as the School Officer liaison for Nouasseur and would later open a school for the Arab workers children.  They lived in Cacablanca, and unlike the other military families they lived in suburban housing.  In 1956 my grandfather was shot and killed by French guards in his car coming home from a night out with my grandmother.

My dad, Curt, and his father, Nelson, at the Roman ruins in Morocco.

My mom wrote about visiting these very ruins and how amazing they were.  When I read that she was there my heart sank.  I have been looking at these childhood photos of my dad’s since she left and the above image stuck with me.  This trip is more than a vacation for her.  It’s seeing a part of my dad’s life that we weren’t a part of.  But it’s good.  It’s like a full circle type of thing, you know?

My dad’s on my mind a lot lately, with my mom in Morocco and Max’s first birthday coming up and him not having the chance to meet and know his grandson.  This is just another one of many waves of sadness I’ll feel.  It’ll go soon, and it’ll come back again, and it hurts a little less and gets a little easier each time.