In a few short weeks I’ll be heading to Austin to visit Katrina. While I’m soooooo super excited, I’m also more anxious than I’ve been in a long time. Part of me is terrified of this trip. Terrified to fly alone, leave Max for 5 days and just be apart from him. You see, I live my life as an anxious person so anxiety is nothing new for me, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something horrible to happen. But it hasn’t been this bad in a while.
The last few days I’ve been borderline panic attack all. day. long. At work it’s especially bad. Driving home from work I had to roll the windows down and make myself start singing nonsense words really loud to break myself out of tunnel vision. Panic attacks are no joke. That feeling of being out of control, the tunnel vision that eventually goes black, the cold sweats and shortness of breath, and a racing heart that feels like it’s going to burst out of your chest at any given moment. The feeling of impending doom looming over you. It truly is the worst.
I would rather be puke-my-guts-out-sick for days on end than go through another panic attack.
When I start to feel it coming on I brace myself as if I’m falling. I grab whatever’s around. And if there’s nothing around I grab myself, my arm, I’ve even pinched my neck just to get myself to focus on something else before I send myself into full on panic mode.
The other night, after a long and shitty day at work, I called my mom to talk it out. And I had a breakthrough of sorts. I don’t need to get into what the hell is going on inside my crazy brain that made me realize this, but I realized that I’ve been holding on to for some time now.
In the meantime, while I work through this, I’ve got a call into my therapist and my doctor and I hope to make it into acupuncture this week.
It’s so difficult sometimes to remember that I won’t always feel this way, that there is an end. That end had better come soon cause I’ve got a life to live, without fear. And I’ve got to be able to this kind of fun with this girl again.