I’ve come to the realization that things are going to change. Yes, I’ve known this for 9+ months but it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. Monday night it dawned on me that the days are numbered for Rob and I being alone. I’m so excited for what’s to come, but I’m going to miss it just being us. I know our relationship will change and become something more fantastic than we could imagine, but it’s a little bittersweet.
Rob spent the evening with me last night watching the Blazer game and went into work late because I had a bit of a pregnant lady emotional breakdown. There are so many mixed emotions I’m feeling right now, and when it all comes up at once it’s pretty ugly. I have fears of not having the same friendships after the baby comes, and losing touch with people and myself for that matter. Rob and I talk at great length about how we need to make sure we have time alone-together, and with our friends. I’ve watched myself slowly drop off the social radar, due to being uncomfortably pregnant, and I don’t want to become a complete shut in. I know there’s a learning curve to all of this, and we’ll figure it out at some point.
While I have fears, more than anything I’m excited. The anticipation of going into labor and giving birth and meeting our baby is sucking the life out of me. I’ve cleaned the house thoroughly, and I don’t know how to distract myself anymore. I’m actually excited to go into labor and give birth. But I’m more excited to meet this little creature that’s been squirming around in my belly for the last 39 weeks. I can’t wait to hold him and see what he looks like, and who he looks like. I am so excited to see Rob with him. He is going to be such an amazing dad.
I am so lucky to have Rob. Even in the midst of my nonsense crying fits he keeps his cool and always makes my feelings justified. He has been nothing short of amazing throughout this pregnancy. He does everything from getting me milkshakes at any time I want, making sure I’m comfortable wherever I am, carrying my purse (he insists on doing this), keeping me fed, to driving me to his parent’s house at 11:00 at night to use their deep claw foot tub for a soak while they’re on vacation (only to find out that they’ve had the water shut off for the duration of their trip). He’s come to every single prenatal appointment with me and held my hand through the uncomfortable things. He took the Bradley Method classes with me, voluntarily read baby books, and refinished the furniture for the baby’s room. He’s the most selfless, caring, genuine man I’ve ever known and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having married him.
This rush of hormonal craziness was brought about after we got back from seeing the midwife for the 39 week appointment. Everything is looking fine, no real progress as far dilation. Baby is settled nicely into my pelvis, which I can definitely feel. Since Sunday I’ve felt like I’m getting my period. Really cramp-y, and having somewhat regular contractions. His heart rate was good, and we even got to see him on ultrasound again. He’s flipped sides since last appointment. Usually his back is along my right side, now it’s on the left. I was worried about getting a cervical check this time around because I didn’t want to be discouraged about how little progress I’ve made. And I wasn’t upset. I felt pretty good leaving the appointment, it wasn’t until I got home did I find myself sinking into a downward spiral of boredom and gloominess.
I don’t know how to entertain myself while waiting anymore. I wish I had a timeline for his arrival. I mean, something more than knowing he’ll be here within two weeks. I want him to come on his own time, but it’s really hard to be patient. Especially when everyone around me is constantly asking “When’s the baby coming?”, “Are you going to have a baby today?”, or telling me when I should be having the baby. I know you all mean well and want this to happen, but believe me when I say I want this to happen more than you do:) We’re on his time, and I can only hope that he’ll be here within the next week.
I can’t help but play this song over and over in my head. David Bowie always makes me feel better.