On Accepting Myself and Turning Thirty

Tomorrow I will be thirty years old.

THIRTY.  30.  Three-zero.

Is turning thirty hard for everyone?  Just me?  OK.

It’s all in my head.

I don’t want to grow up and I don’t want to be responsible and I don’t want to worry about money.

I’ve learned that I’m a control freak.  Which might explain where all of this anxiety comes from.

Recently I realized that I’m old.  I know I’m not old, but just let me explain.  I work a very part time job where there are a lot of college kids in their early twenties.  I’ve become work buddies with some of them (one of which shares my birthday, and I’ve never met anyone who shares my birthday! But god knows I know at least 12 other people with a birthday the first week of December as well.).  A few days ago at work I was talking with a few of them and one of them mentioned a show they were going to to see, a band I’ve never heard of.  And the others chimed in and they made plans.  And just like that I felt old.  I had never heard of whatever band they were talking about, I don’t go to shows anymore, and I can’t make plans like that on a whim.  And I don’t get asked to.  And it’s not like I actually want to hang out with these kids outside of work, but I just realized that that part of my life is over.  Forever.  And realistically that part of my life was over when I found out I was pregnant but for some reason I’ve held on to the hope of still being able to be a reckless twenty-something.

Now I’ll be a responsible thirty-something.  I remember my mom watching that show, Thirty-Something, and she had a t-shirt that said thirty-something on it and it was teal with pink cuffed sleeves.

I know what I have now is so much better, it really, truly is.  But I really miss the days of hauling my camera around and sneaking it in to shows and staying out all night with my friends and not having to worry about what time my son will wake me up in the morning.

I’m just having a small moment of crisis.  Actually it’s not small because it’s been going on this entire year.  I have spent this entire year feeling like this and beating myself up and feeling like garbage.  I want to be done with it.  But I know these things are easier said than done.  No amount of therapy or drugs can make this feeling go away instantly.  Believe me, I know.

I’m going to do my best to welcome this new year, new decade of my life and myself with open arms, and to kick 29 and 2013 in the ass on their way out.

Onward and upward!

***We had our first real family photos taken a couple of weeks ago by my very talented friend Lacey.  Check out her work at laceymonroephotography.com***
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